I am Jason Firmani and this is my story.

I was born into a middle class family on 16th October 1968 in Johannesburg. I was spoilt and wanted for nothing. I had every opportunity to experience things and do things with a bright future ahead of me. I never really had any hang-ups and adapted well to any situation that I found myself in.

I left school and joined the police force where I was stationed at Soweto Riot Unit for three years. It was here that I first started taking steroids to improve my physique, which I did for five years. I did all sorts of odd jobs ranging from personal trainer, sales rep, topless waiter and this all carried on for about another four years. My experiences in the SAP had taught me to switch off to emotion and I never learned to switch back on again.

Then one night while with some people who were doing coke, I thought what the hell, why not, lets give it a try and BOOM!!! A whole new world opened up for me and every feeling and emotion came flooding back. Wow. Coke was a weekend recreational pastime but then during the week too. The frequency increased without me noticing. I met a lovely lady, who had no idea about my habit at first. We got married and had a beautiful baby girl. Our marriage lasted four years. During the last year we discovered rave parties and I discovered Ecstasy, the final straw. My wife gave me an ultimatum; stop using or no marriage. I have no excuse for my drug addiction; it was simply a matter of choice. An escape from reality, but escape to where? The same place every addict escapes to, the world inside their heads, where everything is logical and seems to make sense.

If you ever unsuspectingly meet a recovering addict, his answer to your question of why he will not have a drink with you is: “For starters, I’ll drink you under the table, then I’m only starting to warm up. Then I’ll drink you out of whatever money you have on you. When that’s finished, we’ll clear out your bank account. Then we’ll pawn everything of value you own including your car to the dealer for drugs because alcohol is not really what I’m looking for. If you’re lucky, you’ll be home in a few days still wearing your shirt! I appreciate your offer of a drink, but no thank you!”

Don’t be surprised; he has just explained to you from first hand experience what addiction is all about. Addictions are all the same, no matter what you are addicted to. Addiction takes our control away and takes over our lives causing total mayhem and destruction.

Recovery offers untold rewards for those whom actively seek it. At the start, our emotional roller coaster does not let up but don’t be discouraged. It’s a tough ride but worth it. Feeling those emotions is all part of the process.

I came into recovery with junkie pride as we all do. This junkie pride will be your downfall. At my first support group meeting, I was cut down to size as I heard the stories of the other recovering addicts. It was a very humbling experience and one I will never forget.

That night I realised I was not as bad as I thought I was – there were others worse off than I was and all I could see was how honoured I was to be with this bunch who had overcome their problem and had found this new way of life without drugs. I wanted to do that. That night I promised myself that I would never take drugs again and just for today it is possible – all this time later, I am still proving that to myself.

I’m achieving what I set out to do and based my recovery on a positive, grateful and happy mindset. I hurt many people in active addiction, family, friends and fellow addicts. My addiction turned me into a monster around those I loved and cared for. Most importantly, I hurt myself and it was me that needed to heal first so that I could mend what I had destroyed with others later. I did not want my recovery to be based on guilt, hurt, anger or remorse. These are all negative emotions. In order for me to benefit from a positive recovery, I had to forgive myself first.